Self bashing or something of the sort

OK I know I'm really, really bad at updating my blog. And I am going to make excuses. But first, I just need to get some bad air out.

1. I need to learn how to cope better. I'm extremely pressurised at work, and I cannot afford to drop any balls right now, so my little melodramatic moments need to stop. Grow up, Ika. If you can't handle it all, say so, no one will judge you if you ask for help when you really, really need it.
2. I suck at this blog thing. I realise how lacking my skills are in this department (ouch that hurts to admit!) and have been promising myself to learn some tricks from my friend who's a superstar at this, but I still haven't. So, more boring looking posts, links that don't link, no sharing on Twitter and Facebook. Yawn. I have to sort this out next week when I'm back from the SAMA's. Done.
3. I have not run until tonight since Two Oceans almost two weeks ago, and tonight's run was not even worth mentioning. I am determined not to stop running now and I need to get more fit for my first full marathon, but finding the time is hard. Do I get up earlier and risk being a grumpy dragon at work and at home? Or do I let it slip to manage my daily commitments and I end up a grumpy dragon because I resent slipping into a state of slobness?
4. I've spent almost all of my bonus so far and I only got it last pay day. No wait, that actually feels great, I shouldn't put it in the Self bashing List. Yeehaaa, spending money on those I love the most (including me for a change) is great!

Wow, that felt good, getting it all off my chest. Moving on. Let's talk about things that have been good, fun, inspiring, happy or just interesting this past week.

1. My Superman continues to woo me everyday. He gives me butterflies in my stomach at least a million times a day, and that's when I don't see him. When I do get to see him, I completely melt into a pool of pathetic girly loveygoo. See what I mean, I'm inventing words like "loveygoo"!
2. I am going to the SAMA's this weekend, and -wait for it - as a guest! For once, not as a staff slave. Plus, I get to go with great people, it is going to be awesomeness like you've not seen in like, forEVER! I'll be Tweeting some and some no doubt.
3. I'm getting new specs this week, and they are hot, hot, hot. They are imported from Israel and completely handpainted, I will have to post a pic of them, they are to die for.
4. Our test for Thursday was moved out until next week Tuesday. Unfortunately I will have to study a little this weekend at Sun City, when Superman is playing golf. You get some, you give some...
5. I'm getting an increase from next month, what's not to like?!
6. I forget how much I love cheese, it's time for an all-cheese dinner soon. Add some great vino and some crackers, and you have a winning combo.
7. The weather is great, warm and sunny during the day but nice and cool at night, perfect for the best sleep in the world.
8. My baby, Billy and his new BF who stays here, Nellie the white poodle, gets along like they've been best mates since they were born. It's great for a mother (ha ha, had to add that!) to see her kids play like they do.
9. My dad got to stay over for two nights and I finally bought a bed for my spare room, another room done which I can tick off my renovation list. It is always a treat to have him here, I just wish my mom could visit more often too.
10. My "happy list" outweighs my "self bashing list" in spite of all the challenges I am facing at the moment given my struggle with a work vs life balance.

I leave myself with this very important question:
"Do I stay up late to work, or do I sleep early and go into the office really early?"

Hm, I think I'm opting for Club Duvet...

Anything I can do, I can do better

Hey blog, how are you? It's been a while, do you still want to be my friend?

I've been so busy lately, but I know it's a poor excuse for not visiting you often. Thing is, I've been busy with good things, so you should be happy for me. I've taken some bold steps, and some small ones that might not appear bold if you had to know about them, but for me they were moonlanding strides.

I have been so inspired lately, and it mostly has to do with a special person I've become close to lately. Now he might not know or understand this, but he inspires me. Not just creatively (yes, I almost want to write poetry and make paintings of my muse, can you believe it!), but also personally and professionally. He brings out a side of me that wants to see me be better, do things better, and become a better person to everyone around me.

This newly enforced courage - yes it's always been in me, but sometimes it gets a little murky when you are looking for it in yourself - has seen me take on some interesting challenges lately. Now you might argue that I was going to do all these things anyways, but I don't think I would have applied for that manager position, or run my first half marathon, or opened up to someone the way I have, with so much calmness and focus and belief in myself. It's almost easy to find someone who feels this way about you, but it's hard to find someone who feels this way about you, who you feel that way about too. I've not felt this way in a long time, and for a long time I didn't think I could get excited about someone, miss someone so that it hurts so good, want to know someone this way, like the person I am like this, need someone because I want to and not because I need to...

It's amazing how relationships, whether they are friendships or romantic etc, can bring out the best in you, inspire you to reach great heights, bring you into a deeper understanding of who you are and what you stand for and so much more. I can only thank God for the wonderful people I have in my life. Everyone of the people I choose to keep close are so special and serve a certain purpose, and I hope that I return that favour and serve them in a way that is meaningful and that they need from me. Parents, sibs, colleagues, old friends, new friends, special friends, book club friends, you are all special to me.

This blog entry should probably have been broken into more than one piece, because I really want to talk about special relationships, pushing myself and my competitive nature, this past weekend in Cape Town, and being thankful for what I've got. I think I've touched on the first topic a bit, but I still have lots to say about the rest.

In a nutshell, Cape Town was amazing this weekend. I did my first Two Oceans which was also my first half marathon. That's right, I ran 21,1km and I did it in 2h32min while Tweeting as much as I can. This has been one of the most empowering experiences in my life. The training, the commitment, the results, the liberation that comes with going through with it - it's been so inspirational that I can write about the whole shkebang for days. It made me feel that there's nothing I cannot do if I put my mind and my heart to it. And that is the truth, and it goes for everyone out there. Push yourself and test your limits, you'll be pleasantly surprised of what you're capable of!

I think I'll get to the other topics in a future blog post. I'm sleepy, I've had some sangria (which probably shows in the amount of gorrel I'm putting down here) and my mind is mostly with my Drummer Boy, so if I keep on writing it will become rambling - no wait, it's already turned into ramble!

Good night blogfriend, I hope you're not mad at me for being so absent, seeing that you know me so well I'm sure you'll understand better than anyone else why it's been this way.

PS - I got the job and will be negotiating my new terms with HR tomorrow, wish me luck, it's a bit nerve stirring!

All my love and words,
Ikasan

Inspiration

This past week has been busy, busy, busy, but oh so good. Work gets a thumbs up, social life gets a thumbs up, work | life | sleep gets a thumbs down, but I'm working on it.
Spending some time away from Joburg with some old friends - just a stone's throw from Vryburg in NW - has been such a blessing. It's such a beautiful thing to witness true, deeper love. Jansie and JF - all the best for your sparkly future, you two gave me more warm and fuzzy moments at your wedding than an episode of Extreme Makeover, and you didn't even have to try.
Having Duck and Johno over this week was lovely - I cant wait to have you "kids" over again, and I can't wait to say that I somehow had a hand in your future success story - keep doing what you do and never stop wanting to learn, grow and challenge yourselves.
Now there's lots to say still, but I need to get my thoughts sorted and into words before I get it onto here, and I seem to be unable to focus on writing tonight, could it be because it's a public holiday and my system doesn't know what an Off Monday is? Could it be new and exciting ventures lurking that have me all restless?
Who knows...
PS - a little Eva Mendes tribute

Shoowee, what a week

So I ask myself this everyday: "What am I doing today or tomorrow that will make me a better person, that will make me a more interesting person, that will make me a happy person?"
And these questions lead me to make a "bucket list" for 2010 at the end of last year. It was seriously time for me to start doing all the things I've either always wanted to do, or to at least start moulding my attitude of "wanting to do a lot of things but there's always tomorrow", because you know what? There isn't always tomorrow. And I realised it the hard way. Anyways, I decided one sunny day, while sitting at my desk - bored to tears with my job - that I am the ONLY one who can shape my destiny, and who can make things happen for me. That realisation lead to create my List.
The list consists of a few items, some silly and some scary, but all achievable within a year, and it is placed on my fridge for myself and anyone who cares, to see each day. In order of remembrance, here it is:
1. Run my first half marathon
2. Try out a water sport
3. Learn a new martial art
4. Learn to ride a motorbike, well
5. Buy property
6. Speak more Afrkaans
7. Bleach my teeth
8. Bungee jump
10. Get my scuba license
11. Master making nougat
12. Ride my bike more often
13. Paint something (like a picture, not a wall)
The existance of this list has made me realise that I've not been as dull and lazy in my life as I gave myself credit for - I started tallying all the great, the cool, the exciting and the not so exciting things that I've done and achieved so far in my short life. How wonderful! I call on everyone to keep track of what you get up to and high 5 yourself all the time, we give ourselves too little credit in life for how awesome we really, really are!!
The List has also helped me to recognise "in the moment opportunities" and grab them, even if it seems impossible or very, very scary or humiliating. Think getting my body painted for a radio station's FIFA event, standing nekkid next to schmodels in my Nigella Curvaliciousness! Think applying for becoming an egg donor with a lump in my throat, and getting That Email saying that my application is succesful and that I will now go onto the database for families to select me as a donor. Life changing stuff, for me at least. For the first time in my life (I've been a Christian all my life and never tried this, why I wonder?) I'm actively participating in my church and my religion - I'm sacrificing for Lent, I'm working with the kids on Sunday mornings while their parents are in the Big Church. Selfless acts you might say? No my friend, they are all selfish, I (read > my soul) need this so much more than what the recipients of my acts/time/money think they do.
I leave you with some words of wisdom: surround yourself with the positive and the positively challenging, and you will become your positive thoughts. Thoughts become actions become influence. You live once only, don't waste it before it is too late! When you're gone one day, people won't remember what you said to them, did, bought them and so on. But they will remember how you made them feel.

If you want to star in that movie, go do it! If you want to start your own little business, no one should be stopping you! What and who are you waiting for? You will nver know what you could have learnt in the process, or who you could have met, or where it might have taken you.

Love
Ikasan